The Marvel Cinematic Universe, According To The Watchers’ Informant

Originally published in the Avengers: Infinity War special issue of Birth.Movies.Death magazine in 2018.

Listen up, fellas – have I got a story for you. I seen a lot of things. The incredible. The amazing. The spectacular. The mighty. But you know what the funniest part is? All the best stories come from an unassuming little planet called Earth.

I know what you’re probably thinkin’. Earth? Nothing ever happens on Earth. It’s only even had life for four billion years! But I gotta tell ya, the place has really turned itself around. Face front, true believers – and get ready to believe anew. I gotta tell you about the Avengers.

It all started back in what they called the 1940s. Here these humans were, fighting their latest war over what piece of land belonged to who. I’d managed to get a high-ranking post in their military and I kept hearing about this guy they called “Captain America.” Well, I was desperate to meet this supposed paragon of humanity, so I went along to a medal ceremony see what the fuss was all about. And then he doesn’t show! What a racket.1 When I later discovered he’d been frozen in the Arctic, I thought, “sounds good to me.” So I took an ice nap, and woke up about seventy years later. I tell ya, I’d never felt better.

Once I woke up, I started livin’ it large. Why wouldn’t you? It was a whole new world out there. I took my inspiration from a wealthy publisher of gentleman’s magazines, wearing all kinds of quality garments and meeting all kinds of quality people. But wouldn’t you know it – just as I’m starting to enjoy myself, this other billionaire playboy philanthropist Stark starts muscling in on my territory! Little did I know he’d become a founding member of these Avengers I’m telling you about.2

From there, I traveled all over the place. I judged beauty pageants – always giving a 10/10, of course.3 Those humans are all so beautiful. I tended bar here and there, listening to stories and developing my own catchphrase – “crazy stupid fine.”4 And when I wasn’t working, I’d be working the tables – like this one time in South Korea, when I scooped up a whole bunch of winnings, just before some arms dealers shot up the place.5 A lucky escape, I’m tellin’ ya! I even tried my hand at being a television personality – that’s how I ran into that Stark fella again. Didn’t recognise me. That putz.6

But I gotta tell ya: the millionaire playboy life will take it out of a man. Sometimes, I gotta take a break. For a while, I nursed an energy drink addiction in Milwaukee, getting laid low for a while when a bottle got contaminated by that “Hulk” guy’s blood.7 He’s another one of the Avengers – the big green one. Had another run-in with an Avenger when I was a truck driver in New Mexico, and they asked me to pull an Asgardian hammer out of the ground. I tried, but I’m no god of thunder – I lost my truck and my dignity.8 After that, I moved to New York – even in Queens, I still couldn’t get away from punk Avenger kids.9 I mean, superheroes, in New York? Gimme a break.10 Even after checking myself into a hospital for the elderly, I still had people trying to explain quantum physics to me – using my shoe as a prop, for Pete’s sake11 – as if the universe was willing me to get involved.

So I got back to my original mission – to find Captain America. I took a job at the Smithsonian, guarding his old uniform, hoping he’d come check it out – I dunno, like a trip down memory lane – but when he eventually did, I was out of the room.12 Just my luck. So later, when I’m drowning my sorrows at a nearby bar, wearing my veteran’s cap for old time’s sake, who should walk in but Captain America himself. He and the Asgardian were drinking some liquor they said had been aged a thousand years. That didn’t sound so bad.13 But the colours I saw that night? Reminded me of that hilarious Huxley book, The Doors Of Perception.14 I’ll never forget that experience – but through the haze of the evening, I’ll never remember whether I ever even exchanged words with the Captain.

At this point, and this is pretty recently now, I was fed up with Earth. It stunk. I fled to Xandar, where I lived the high life, schmoozing with ladies and getting insulted by raccoons.15 When I needed a buck, I had a freelance gig over on Sakaar doing haircuts for gladiators – my hands had gotten shaky over the years, but I had some mechanical aids, and the Grand Master always seemed to appreciate my work.16 In between jobs, I mosey around the galaxy, so here I am, talking to you guys. ‘Nuff said.

Oh wait! I forgot the best part! It happened around the time all the Avengers were fighting one another. At that time, I was a Federal Express man. Imagine my delight when I get assigned to deliver a package to none other than Tony Stark! This was my big chance to really show Stark who’s boss. So I pulled out my Sharpie and changed the “R” in his name to an “N.”17 Tony Stank! Can you imagine it?! He must have been so embarrassed! Ha ha! I really got him good, didn’t I?

Hey fellas. Hey wait – where are you going? Hey, you were supposed to be my lift home! How am I gonna get outta here? Hey – aw, gee, I’ve got so many more stories to tell. Aw, guys. Oh, gee.18

  1. Captain America: The First Avenger
  2. Iron Man
  3. Iron Man 3
  4. Ant-Man
  5. Black Panther
  6. Iron Man 2
  7. The Incredible Hulk
  8. Thor
  9. Spider-Man: Homecoming
  10. The Avengers
  11. Thor: The Dark World
  12. Captain America: The Winter Soldier
  13. Avengers: Age of Ultron
  14. Doctor Strange
  15. Guardians of the Galaxy
  16. Thor: Ragnarok
  17. Captain America: Civil War
  18. Guardians of the Galaxy 2